ME

ME
By
ASFIYA RAHMAN

I get up in the morning; on my feet for hours,
So much to do.
I sit down to rest, catch my breath,
I put up my feet but I see my mother’s feet.
When did my feet become my mother’s feet?

I smile, she told me this would happen,
Everyone did.
One day you will become your mother they said
In my youth I scoffed at them,
My mother was old, I was young
I could never become her.

But now I wonder is it bad?
To be a person who enjoys life,
To be a person who grabs opportunities,
To be a person who brings love and happiness in everyone’s life
Including herself.
If I am my mother, if I have her feet
Is it so bad I wonder as I get up from my chair.

My knee stiffens , a pain shoots up,
A stifled cry escapes my lips
My grandmother’s anguished voice.
Does she live on in me too?
I steady myself and without consciously realizing mimic her posture.

These hands that steady me,
They are not mine
They are my fathers
I would know them anywhere
They are the hands that have always steadied me whenever I stumbled.

And suddenly I feel a flutter
Am I me? Do I exist?
Or am I just the sum of others?

I see my reflection in the mirror.
This face...this face is so familiar
Today I see so many people in this face that looks back at me.
These eyes belong to my daughter.
The arch of the eyebrow, the long lashes;
They are meant for a sixteen year old
Not for someone who has knee pains and old women’s feet.

The sharp nose is my brother’s,
The cheekbone’s my sisters,
Or am I confusing the two?
But this forehead I would know anywhere
I have kissed it every time I tucked my son into bed.

Am I me? Do I exist?
Or am I just the sum of others?
I look for myself and see only others, loved ones, dear ones but where am I?
And yet I wonder is it bad
To be the sum of others?
To have the hope of a six year old that tomorrow will be better,
To have the ambition of a sixteen year old,
To have the wisdom of age,
To be brave, to be adventurous
To be courageous and kind.

If that is all I am then that is enough for me.
I smile
And the smile is mine, only mine.
I exist. I am me.
I am more than just the sum of others.
They exist in me and I in them.
But I am me and more than just me.