Mamu & You

We are in Berlin , in Mamu’s house, to celebrate you turning eight tomorrow . Your Mamu, my little brother. You share a beautiful relationship with him - he's more fun, less strict. “Mamu is so cool” you keep saying to me when you talk about him.

It is your birthday eve and your Mamu, Mami and Pappa are decorating the living room with bunting that has your face on it and yellow balloons lending cheer to Berlin’s rainy weather.

’Father and Son 'by Cat Stevens is playing on the radio in the background. I am working on a birthday video for you so I am mining through photos and more photos of you. The day you were born, when you turned 1, 2 … until today, your last day as a seven year old.

“I was once like you are now,” Cat Steven croons as I try to crop a photo of you and Mamu when you were nine months old , your first trip to Berlin. You are sitting next to him in a park and the resemblance is striking- the jawline, the eyelashes, the way you both bite your lower lip when you are concentrating on something.

“Oh, how can I try to explain?
'Cause when I do he turns away again” Cat Stevens again. It’s a little unnerving .

I remember how Mamu would walk away when Dad would tell him off or have a difficult conversation. I can see him in you already. When you walk away when we tell you off, sulking in your room until one of us comes gets you. The manner in which you make no eye contact when you return from your brief hiatus. The silence that serves you so well as it creates an awkwardness so tart, almost as tart as the mango pickle in the beige ceramic bharni on the dining table.

I am now selecting a song for your birthday video.
”All the times that I've cried
Keepin' all the things I knew inside”
Now plays in the background within the birthday video as Mamu appears to be pacifying a visibly distraught you at the age of six. I remember because it was your birthday and you were sad because your best friend hadn’t turned up for your party. I remember Mamu's turbulent teenage years then. He would rarely cry, at least not in front of me. I was thankful then he had music to escape to. I often wondered what else he hid under his massive headphones. I wish I was there for him then, I just didn’t know how. I will try harder with you, I promise.

“Akku! Decorations sorted, do you think Ronnie will like it?” Mamu’s voice. That same biting of the lower lip, again.
“Do you like it?” I ask him. He nods thoughtfully. “He will too”. I smile.

“You're still young, that's your fault
There's so much you have to go through”

Cat Stevens again, lending music to your story, to Mamu's story.