Libido

Libido, rolls off the tongue differently.
It's more elegant, than horney.
But there is still something about it that makes people uncomfortable.

Perhaps, because it's often associated as a feminine word.

In a world where the male right to sexual urges is normalised,
celebrated even,
the female libido is the mark of the devil.

Impious,
impure,
dirty,
fast,
chalu,
a bitch...In heat,
hysterical, unravelled and most importantly, the deadliest of them all -

progressive.

It's a double edged sword, of sorts. If you don't have one- you are frigid but if you do, and God forbid, one higher than your partner, the names start pouring in.

The gaze intensifies as if to examine the vagina from the inside out.
Society has been on this case for all eternity since eve's temptation.

Why does the woman feel guilty for wanting it and insecure, worthless, emotionally rejected when the denied?

The woman here is I, not all women kind.

Why is the feeling of sexual satisfaction -
the want
the need want
the climax -
still so intrinsically associated with self worth and...
validation.

I am fully capable of satisfying myself, most often better than anyone I have been waves and yet the denial is NOT like water...on a ducks back.

I imagine that intimacy plays a role and have had friends tell me I overthink.
Why did the intimacy not culminate in sex?
Am I not allowed to, at least expect it as men believed it to be their birth right?

So many of us compromise-
some call it love,
other laugh it off as a sign of maturity-
"The relationship matures and hence sex is not desired as often."

But I still have questions. I feel so far away from these notions presented before me. I've developed a love and hate relationship with my libido. I struggle to love it sometimes as much as a struggle to cope with the denial it faces.

My face betrays me in these times and then the guilt creeps in.
I passify more than I should.
I apologize more than I should.
I justify more than I should.
Hell I will blame it on PMS at times...Make that all the time...It feels easier when bringing up 'The Conversation' again.

And then?

It is a new day and all these doubts, anger, ugly, dirty feelings lie down to rest, temporarily

Because the heart overrides the questions and the need for answers; it lulls the anger explaining to it that it is unwanted,
unbecoming
And just like the female libido-
Forbidden