Dear God

Dear God,
I am writing this letter treading toward my funeral pyre, at least my family thinks so. For you, I am a daughter, no matter how many candles add up to my birthday cake. You will read not mind the pale paper or the big jerky handwriting.
I was born as a Goddess. The neighbors invited me to dine on the days of Durga Ashtami and Ramnavmi and washed my feet. I felt you within me.As I grew up, whenever I did something wrong, a part of you strode away from me. I was twelve playing Phugadi with my friend, it made the square classroom a circular, the girls around us were spinning and their faces got blurred. Suddenly, the teacher came, she slapped me. I prayed for a slap to my friend. I wanted it to be even. A tear rolled down my cheek. So did you.
I became a doctor. People compared me with you. Funny, right? Everything was fine but my husband passed away. I cried and my family too. A woman wailed and said, “ It should have been her (me), not you (my husband).”
‘ Not him, true but why me?’ I thought.Then onwards, those words became a wailing ritual. Almost twenty years passed, but with every death the words, “It should have been her,” pierced through me.
I stopped going to the hospital due to my age. My private practice stopped eventually. My family got divided into I and them. My death on the occasions of a festival, marriage, or baby shower in the family became my lethal weapon. On the eve of any happy occasion, I moaned, coughing and panting.. The nurse around me was replaced by my daughter-in-law or grandson fully dressed in party attire. I enjoyed it.
One day a thin and tall boy in his late twenties came to see me. He was the grandson of my colleague and was practicing law in the neighborhood. He was arranging a charity health checkup for migrant workers. He wanted a donation. Nowadays, I am cautious about money so I asked him to come again after two-three days. But then a small atom of you stirred within me and I gave him the desired amount. My family thought that I had called him to change my will. There was no reason for me to refute the notion.They started including me in playing board games, and watching TV. Even the cook asked the other day what I wanted to eat. I saw you peeping behind him.
I invite you to come and walk with me.
Your daughter.