Mumma!
I hear the cry when I am not in the same room when you open your eyes. I drop whatever I was doing. I see you rub your eyes, asking if you have to go to school, & the look of sheer sadness that follows. I hold your face, your tiny face in the cup of my arms. The most fragrant smell in the world fills up my nostrils & my being, as I hold you & bury my face in your neck. Gingerly, I pick the sleepy you in my arms, feeling how long your legs are getting. My heart sinks & rises at the same time. There would come a day when I would pick you up for the last time, without realising so, when you would outgrow my arms. Outgrow the arms which have held you since the day you had first looked at me with your round little eyes, angry at those who had woken you up from your foetal slumber.
You try to hold the slippery soap as I give you a bath, your eyes seeking my approval as you discover life. Your hope filled eyes want me to solve your tiny life’s problems. Does the wonder woman in your mind shrink every time I am unable to? A strange fear courses through me.
I see you seeking me out in a crowd, your beautiful face lights up on spotting me. Your endless questions, your imaginary friends, your very real enemies, I am the sounding board for all of them. What it is to fill oneself with immense joy & immense sense of loss at the same time, I had never known. For I have a piece of me walking beside me, holding me with tiny hands which are growing everyday, getting ready to let go & fly off.
Mannu!
I wake up with a hangover , a dull thud in my head, to hear you cry out from your room. You probably want to go to the toilet, more likely just wanting to see me first thing. I see you struggle to sit up straight, rub your sunken eyes with your shrivelling hands, asking if I have to go to work, the look of sheer sadness that follows. I hold your wrinkly face in the cup of my arms. You smell of a cocktail of medicines, & probably urine. Gingerly, I help you standup, feeling how your legs are more bent than ever. My heart sinks. There would come a day when I would pick you up for the last time, when you would outgrow this world. Outgrow the life you had created, & you would look at me with your hollow eyes, smiling as you slip into your last slumber.
You try to hold the slippery soap, seeking my approval as you struggle with the gadgets all around. Your eyes fast losing hope, wishing you could beat the cancer which is taking me away from you. How could my wonder woman give in to a few rogue cells?A fear courses through me.
I see you looking out for me in the hospital, your toothless face lighting up on spotting me. Your endless questions, your dying friend list, I am the sounding board for all of them.
What it is to fill oneself with an immense sense of loss, I had never known. For I am a piece of you, walking beside you, holding your hands which are shrinking everyday, getting ready to let go & fly off.